Trashy versus classy?? Learning to love myself....waiting for love and the issues in between...

I remember many years ago while still doing my undergraduate degree, finding myself in a club with a girlfriend of mine one friday night. While we waited for some friends of hers to arrive, we ended up befriending two guys who were also waiting on their company to come. While discussing some frivolous topics with "Robert", I could not help but laugh at his reaction when he set eyes upon some girls who were pretty much wearing their underwear in the club (that's the only way I can describe it, I'm pretty sure that it took one yard of cloth to make all three outfits). So I politely interrupted his gaping (gawking) by saying "Yup, that's what you guys like to look at eh" to which he speedily responded, "to look at, f$%k, for sure, but at the end of the day I would easily take home a girl like you to my mother."
That statement made me stop and think...and to this day it resonates with me. After the night was done, farewells were said and life returned to normal, I could not help but ponder on the entire situation. Although I felt flattered that I was good/decent enough type of chic to take home to meet the parents, was it that I wasn't good enough to gape at? Boy did that hit me hard considering that was a point in my life where I was still coming to terms with some weight I gained due to having PCOS and I wasn't very comfortable in my own skin. I was accustomed to the attention I used to get prior to my weight in order to get some attention now (with the hopes of finding someone special)...I had to show some more skin?? Hmmm...

So my pants got a little tighter, my shorts got a little shorter and I showed a little more (okay a lot more) cleavage. And as expected I got the stares, the cat calls "" amongst other things. I would get the attention in many social settings and I enjoyed every minute of it...till I came to the realisation that all the comments, cat calls and lyrics that rinsed out my ears were all focused around one body...and it made me uncomfortable. 
I realised that I wanted more for myself...not just to be the object of someone's sexual attraction, but more so the object of someone's intimate affection. I always wanted someone to love me for what my mind and personality had to offer, not what my body offered. I realised that I looked for validation within the cat calls and comments and that my self esteem and how I viewed myself depended heavily on whether guys took notice of me or not. None of the guys who approached me were serious about getting to know me so what was the point of revealing so much T&A if the attention that I was getting was not resulting in the love and affection that I wanted. 


As I learnt to cope with my weight gain and accept the changes to my body that God had permitted, I realised that I had to be my own source of good esteem and confidence. I should not do things, say things or dress a certain for the sake of gaining attention. I learnt that I had to be happy in my own skin. In reading my Bible, I would constantly reflect on how God made me in His image and if this wonderful and awesome God made me in His image...doesn't that make me special???? 

It all began to make sense...
God made me special..hence I am special..if I am special, I don't have to dress revealingly for others to think I'm "special". I don't have to show excessive skin in order for me to stand out, I will STAND OUT because of my character and beliefs. 
So as my cleavage started disappearing and my shorts got back longer, the cat calls disappeared. I wasn't bothered too much honestly, I gained a sense of self that could not be shaken. My confidence was on cloud 9, and even though I have my insecure moments, I know that I am special, fearfully and wonderfully made and it doesn't take me showing off my goods to get the love and affection that I longed for. 


Added to this, I learnt to be happy by myself. I took pleasure in my "me time" doing things that I had not done in a long time. I learned to own the skin I'm in and dress the body that I have to flatter my curves in the most practical, comfortable yet trendy and stylish ways. I still longed for companionship but I know that God would send the right person for me AT THE APPOINTED TIME, and he would be more interested in stimulating my mind with deep, thought provoking conversation rather than stimulate my body with his sexual advances. God would send someone who would call me beautiful on the days I looked the most hideous. But most of all...God would send someone who would show me the most genuine reflection of His love for me..what true love is really about... 

-True happiness starts from within, you have to love yourself and exude your own confidence. if you can't love yourself then no one else really can. 
-Let your character be what draws a person to you. Yes, physical attraction does play a part in the initial confrontation, but it only gets you so far.

PS-I'm getting cat calls again..even on the days that I'm dressed most modest, and I can't help but smile, not because I'm getting them again, but because people take notice of confident people, and that I'm getting the same responses now without having to dress scantily. Needless to say I'm not bothered with the cat calls and the noise, I have my ears and my heart tuned in to when my true love calls.

Tshenelle aka Nelly B.